Reading over old blogs, just like always. Allison, pretty much me worrying bout what I had written and you reading it is what did it, but just want to say thanks because I realize something.

I started crying reading some of the old blogs. Remembering the hurt and the pain those times I had to leave Brian caused me. I remember how much I wanted things to be different, how broken I felt. Then I read when I was with him, and I remember how absolutely miserable I was. I see how ridiculous my life had become with him in it. I couldn't even ask him to do anything with me for fear that I was being "clingy"... what kind of relationship is that?

I remember those times I wrote about. I remember the frustration, the anxiety. I see it reflected exactly the same way in friends and their relationships, and I'm happy. I'm happy it's just me.

I recently tried to fill a little bit of the void I think I "thought" I felt. I returned to my old antics of not wanting to give up on things, when I shouldn't have been in them from the start. I have no common sense when I'm in a relationship. But when it ended, I felt free. It gave me such a new sense of "you're okay on your own/you can actually break up and be okay" that I want to tap into that in my next relationship. I want to realize and remind myself that if it's not a happy relationship, something I enjoy, I don't have to be in it.

Enough said.

I mourn the love I felt for him, but I do not mourn that relationship I had with Brian one bit. It became completely miserable. Today I went to text him "I wish I could still jut atleast have you as a friend." No I don't. I like to the idea of him sometimes, and my screwy dreams lately have been putting old thoughts in my head. I know my heart still has a place for him, but there's a bigger spot to be filled by a better man than he.

"I really do love you," is what he wrote me. I thanked him for the earrings he bought me two Christmases ago. They were beautiful diamond earrings, but a little too fancy to wear with everything. He thought I never liked them, because I never wore them. So I saw them the other day laying in my jewelry box, and thought to myself once again how sweet that was. We'd only been together a few months, and he was always so passionate about me. He cared for me way deeper than I did at that point, and my how the tables seem to have turned. In return to the text I sent him thanking him for the earrings again, he wrote back hours later with that simple text... "I really do love you."

We've been broken up, again, for about a month and a half or two months. This is probably one of the longer breaks between our breakups, and it's probably for the fact that it will be the last break up. I coped pretty well this time with the fact we wouldn't be gettting back together. I was away for 3 and half weeks only a few days after our break up. I was surrounded by people and was always busy, I never had time to think about the fact we weren't together... again. I thought about it a few times; I cried myself to sleep, but never too long of a cry fest before I did dose off, thank goodness. I talked to him a few times while I was away, halfway around the world. There was one time I called him, and he had actually the day before asked me to call him by sending me an email or something I never got. I was glad to know that he wanted to speak to me, and that even though I had called him because I wanted to speak to him, he had wanted that phone call just as badly. Even during the calls, I thought I could be over him. I realized how many things had changed since we first were together, and how many other things I wanted in a man that he could never offer. I came the conclusion "we're one of those couples madly in love, but even though there's love, commitment and selflessness, for some crazy reason it'll  never work out." Not destined by God I suppose. Who knows really.

I came home. I saw him for a few hours one day when he was in town. We just talked. Things never change with him, I always feel the same about him and feel the same around him. We went to the park. We held each other. It felt like such a sincere goodbye. Then today, a week later from the previous meeting, we met up...

I had been thinking for about two days before how badly I just wanted to kiss him and have him hold me. So I asked him today for him to just kiss me. As much as has gone on between us, I was terrified to ask him. I didn't even really ask him, he just figured it out. He was reluctant because he didn't want to hurt me. Oh I started tearing up to no end when he first said no. It was like being rejected all over again. Even while he gave me a kiss in the car, I felt competely hurt and couldn't help it. He made me laugh of course, and it all melted away. He gave me the same caring, loving looks as always, and I melted.  I wanted the comfort he could offer me. We went back to his place. We kissed, we wanted to tear into one another, and then we just fell asleep. Even when he had to leave at one point to do something, and I was leaving to go home, down the road he called me to come back so we could just take a nap.

I don't even know. I can't help but not keep away, and yet I know he's not the one for me. Our times together feel so completely right and yet when I'm not around him, I can see all the wrong in it. My heart aches for him far more than I knew it could ache for anyone. This feels far too much like lost love, and yet he's always near. He's always so close to reach, and yet so far. Our times together like this are fleeting past me so fast, I can hardly recall what happened in each encounter. It feels at the moment I'd give the world just to have a few minutes feeling like him and I could last forever, and for those moments that's how it feels. But as soon as the goodbyes are said, and the last kiss is given, it fades. I get in my car to drive off and all I want to do is cry. Not because I regret the time spent with him, but because all that love and care is gone all over again. It's always there, but can only be shown how we want it to be during those few hours. So I leave, and once again we're not together. We've only managed to drag out the healing process all over again.

I don't know how to love someone without wanting to experience every moment with them. How do you stay away from someone who loves you just as much as you love them? I don't understand why I have such a strong attachment and love for him, if it's only meant to eventually one day fade away.

How do I know it's definitely not meant to be? We're selfless with each other, but at the same time we're selfish. We give, and we take, and then we always think the other isn't doing enough for the other person. Each of our selfless efforts get taken for grantide. My ambitions in life are not nearly the same as his. He wants to be successful, in the business world. He wants to have security in financial situations, he wants to be well respected and have an impact in this world. Just the same I want to have an impact in this world for God to be blessed through it. I don't care so much to have security financially. It'd be nice, but I know with the life I've chosen, God's got it under control, but that at times means going without or not having something reliable 24/7. Success is relative for me. I don't want my name to necessarily be rememebered, I don't care to have made tons of money so I'll be remembered that way... I just want to live life to the fullest, enjoying all the moments while I'm here. In the mean time being willing and open for God's will to take over. I know Brian wants to do God's will as well, but so far he knows "his plan" for his own life, and who knows how much that follows what God wants. Although, my life might be clearly not what God wants, but as far as I can tell I'm in the right direction.

There's other reasons, and he has his reasons for ending things this time.

It's just that I want the I love you's to last forever. I want him forever, and yet I feel like that's the last thing either of us needs. We have such a deep connection, passion for one another, and love for the other.

I know he hurts, but I feel like such a silent voice. None of this writing will heal things. Nothing I say will heal all whats been hurt. It's futile in the end.