brit_heart_you's Datingish

Anxious

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 06:26:46 GMT

I start a new job tomorrow. Which means right now everything inside of me won't let me sleep.

So tonight I'll write all the things I want to tell you. The thing I'd like to tell the Brian I first fell in love with, and some things for the new one.

Hey love,

I really want to spill my guts right now with all the sappy things about how I miss you, but for some reason I feel like I should "save the best for last."

My life feels a lot different since we stopped talking. I feel like so many things have happened. With school, well I graduated. I'm not sure you have still, and that upsets me. I know that eats away a lot at you, unless you're in the active duty, but even then I'm sure there's a part of you that regrets it. I know you have always had the best intentions and such high hopes, but for you, you have a lack of action. Anyways. Yeah so now, against your advice, I'm working towards a Masters. I know you said wait a few years, but everyone keeps telling me NOW. Plus I have no idea where I want to work. Which reminds me I start a banking job tomorrow. On the road to working my way towards CPA. Ha. I've been excited, but now I'm just nervous. It's a bit aways away, but the people at that branch I've heard such great things about.

Back on Spring Break, I got in a car wreck. I was terrified. I saw the car coming for us. It T-boned us pretty much. Everyone was okay, which included Jenn, Heather and me. Jenn whacked her head, Heather was fine, and I broke my collar bone. That was a miserable couple of months. I feel your pain now with the whole not being able to sleep right. I have slept in the weirdest positions because of it. Not completely, but you sorta were the first person I wanted to talk to about it. I felt like you should know for some reason. I wanted I suppose to have that moment I'd always figured would one day happen; one of us horrible ill or hurt, the other hearing and coming to their bedside. It wasn't life or death, and there was a big part of me that didn't need that moment. Which leads into...

I've been really happy to be single. Part of me felt like you beat me, you won, because you were dating before me. I realize now though, you don't like to be alone. I haven't thought of it like that till just now. You were divorced, and found me. You were recently broken up, and found her. You told me you couldn't be the man I needed you to be anymore. That you needed to focus on you. We broke up in May, Brian. You dated her in the end of June. I want to know sometimes if you're still together. If this time it'll last. I know that's torture to myself, but I hope somehow you've broken up and are alone. I think I want that so you can focus on you, and yes a little bit of revenge. But back to what I was saying, I've enjoyed myself. I started seeing a guy a few months ago, simply because I was attracted to him. It was all wrong, and I know I was searching for "love" again. Filling a void. Eventually I realized what I was doing, ended it pretty soon. But to fill the void again, ran back to him. But as soon as it was over for good, I felt so free. I realize I'm okay now. I'm okay by myself. I haven't had that in a long time.

So I've been single for over a year now. Officially. Unofficially, not really. Ha.

I miss you at night. I miss how crazy you made me. I miss the heat of your body. I miss your properness. I miss having doors opened for me.

I just don't miss all the garbage you brought into the relationship. I don't miss your crap. I don't miss you being wishy washy with me in the end.

I'm finally happy. But the night creeps up on me, and I think "what if". I wish your image would leave my mind. I wish you would stay as that boy I first met. That summer we sat for hours and just talked. The nights we were pulled by the cops for sitting in the car too long. The times I'd fall asleep in your arms. The days you treated me to dinners or to Biltmore. Remember the game board I made you to suck up for something I'd done? I don't even remember what it was. The booklet I made you. Do you still have those?

If you are with that girl still, I really do hope you're happy. I hope you treat her right till you die, seriously. I hope your "i love you"s to other women while you're dating someone stop. I felt honored and happy you still told me those things, but you need to treat her right. Why did I have to be the one to tell you that? I know it's cause you still loved me. You didn't know how to balance that properly. How to handle that properly. So what did you ever say to Amber while we were together? Did you tell her I love you then too? Is that why she was so "psycho"? Did she not have the strength to tell you "she wouldn't want you doing this." I hope not, you'd break my heart all over again.

I miss you old Brian. I miss our innocence in the beginning and how I thought you were a Knight. You were my prince charming then. You'll stay that way, as long as I don't think of the later.

Be well. Do well. Live well.

Love you always,

Brit

Praise Jesus! Seriously.

Tue, 23 Mar 2010 04:28:51 GMT

Reading over old blogs, just like always. Allison, pretty much me worrying bout what I had written and you reading it is what did it, but just want to say thanks because I realize something.

I started crying reading some of the old blogs. Remembering the hurt and the pain those times I had to leave Brian caused me. I remember how much I wanted things to be different, how broken I felt. Then I read when I was with him, and I remember how absolutely miserable I was. I see how ridiculous my life had become with him in it. I couldn't even ask him to do anything with me for fear that I was being "clingy"... what kind of relationship is that?

I remember those times I wrote about. I remember the frustration, the anxiety. I see it reflected exactly the same way in friends and their relationships, and I'm happy. I'm happy it's just me.

I recently tried to fill a little bit of the void I think I "thought" I felt. I returned to my old antics of not wanting to give up on things, when I shouldn't have been in them from the start. I have no common sense when I'm in a relationship. But when it ended, I felt free. It gave me such a new sense of "you're okay on your own/you can actually break up and be okay" that I want to tap into that in my next relationship. I want to realize and remind myself that if it's not a happy relationship, something I enjoy, I don't have to be in it.

Enough said.

I mourn the love I felt for him, but I do not mourn that relationship I had with Brian one bit. It became completely miserable. Today I went to text him "I wish I could still jut atleast have you as a friend." No I don't. I like to the idea of him sometimes, and my screwy dreams lately have been putting old thoughts in my head. I know my heart still has a place for him, but there's a bigger spot to be filled by a better man than he.

Lost in Translation

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 02:23:21 GMT

The human brain is very complex. There are loads of tissue and nerves floating around sending messages and signals to all over the body. Not only that, but the brain is constantly having to decipher what is going on around them and what sort of things afflict the body. Seriously, the human brain is magnificent.

I just want to know what happened to the male brain. What happens between their thought process and their tongue. Or more so, what happens between having to decode their surroundings and the things they are being told and the responses they give in return?

Sorry yes, this is not all men. Sorry yes, this also happens to women a lot too, but considering my grudge is with one particular male, let me just put down the whole sex for a whooping one paragraph. Thank you

To begin, I've seen a guy on and off for around two years. While the relationship hasn't been very steady, our feelings have. I can say without a shadow of a doubt I've had the purest love for anyone that I've ever had with him. I know it is the same in return, but thing is the whole complicatedness and other things in the relationship have simply fogged up our love. There's not use in continuing trying to make it work, it is simply over.

The thing that is not over, is my feelings for him. He knows this. In fact about 7 days ago, we had had a very unpleasant conversation where I became quite upset at the fact he was telling me that he desired to settle down soon with someone... not me. When before he'd been desiring that exact same thing, and yet he was scared of commitment (I'm sure it's still the case now, but for him to make it sound otherwise, pisses me off). I shouldn't be upset, because when you both realize that you deserve better because apparently the two of you couldn't manage to make the other happy no matter what, it doesn't matter too much that the other is looking elsewhere. But my feelings for him have not disappeared, and neither have his. In fact a whole 3 days ago, during a family crisis of his (which I realize some was spurred by that, and he needed the comfort) he told me "I love you." He'll say this every now and then to me, and I'll say it back. I know it's a void "I love you" because it'll never return back filled with a life time of being together. I got that, I say it because I mean it, and I know he means it as well.

So today I get a text from him, telling me that he has met a girl recently who he really is interested in. He is afraid to tell her that he has been divorced and has two children, so he asked for my advice. Really? Three days ago you were telling me that you loved me, and you know that I still love you. So why in the world would you tell me that you are finding someone new? Why in the world would you ask for my advice? Out of all the things that you knew would hurt me most, it would be this right now, so why? Simply why?

My only answer is that somewhere in that little brain of his, his correct course of action should not have been what it was. Instead of turning to the person he always turns to, the person that "yes" probably would understand the most how it would feel for that girl to get the news that she might be interested in a divorced man, turn to someone else, simply turn to someone else who has no swaying view on the matter.

My response to his question: "Tell her."

Really you caused me a little bit of pain today so that you could get the obvious response.

Speak wiser next time.

Silent Suffering

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 04:56:08 GMT

"I really do love you," is what he wrote me. I thanked him for the earrings he bought me two Christmases ago. They were beautiful diamond earrings, but a little too fancy to wear with everything. He thought I never liked them, because I never wore them. So I saw them the other day laying in my jewelry box, and thought to myself once again how sweet that was. We'd only been together a few months, and he was always so passionate about me. He cared for me way deeper than I did at that point, and my how the tables seem to have turned. In return to the text I sent him thanking him for the earrings again, he wrote back hours later with that simple text... "I really do love you."

We've been broken up, again, for about a month and a half or two months. This is probably one of the longer breaks between our breakups, and it's probably for the fact that it will be the last break up. I coped pretty well this time with the fact we wouldn't be gettting back together. I was away for 3 and half weeks only a few days after our break up. I was surrounded by people and was always busy, I never had time to think about the fact we weren't together... again. I thought about it a few times; I cried myself to sleep, but never too long of a cry fest before I did dose off, thank goodness. I talked to him a few times while I was away, halfway around the world. There was one time I called him, and he had actually the day before asked me to call him by sending me an email or something I never got. I was glad to know that he wanted to speak to me, and that even though I had called him because I wanted to speak to him, he had wanted that phone call just as badly. Even during the calls, I thought I could be over him. I realized how many things had changed since we first were together, and how many other things I wanted in a man that he could never offer. I came the conclusion "we're one of those couples madly in love, but even though there's love, commitment and selflessness, for some crazy reason it'll never work out." Not destined by God I suppose. Who knows really.

I came home. I saw him for a few hours one day when he was in town. We just talked. Things never change with him, I always feel the same about him and feel the same around him. We went to the park. We held each other. It felt like such a sincere goodbye. Then today, a week later from the previous meeting, we met up...

I had been thinking for about two days before how badly I just wanted to kiss him and have him hold me. So I asked him today for him to just kiss me. As much as has gone on between us, I was terrified to ask him. I didn't even really ask him, he just figured it out. He was reluctant because he didn't want to hurt me. Oh I started tearing up to no end when he first said no. It was like being rejected all over again. Even while he gave me a kiss in the car, I felt competely hurt and couldn't help it. He made me laugh of course, and it all melted away. He gave me the same caring, loving looks as always, and I melted. I wanted the comfort he could offer me. We went back to his place. We kissed, we wanted to tear into one another, and then we just fell asleep. Even when he had to leave at one point to do something, and I was leaving to go home, down the road he called me to come back so we could just take a nap.

I don't even know. I can't help but not keep away, and yet I know he's not the one for me. Our times together feel so completely right and yet when I'm not around him, I can see all the wrong in it. My heart aches for him far more than I knew it could ache for anyone. This feels far too much like lost love, and yet he's always near. He's always so close to reach, and yet so far. Our times together like this are fleeting past me so fast, I can hardly recall what happened in each encounter. It feels at the moment I'd give the world just to have a few minutes feeling like him and I could last forever, and for those moments that's how it feels. But as soon as the goodbyes are said, and the last kiss is given, it fades. I get in my car to drive off and all I want to do is cry. Not because I regret the time spent with him, but because all that love and care is gone all over again. It's always there, but can only be shown how we want it to be during those few hours. So I leave, and once again we're not together. We've only managed to drag out the healing process all over again.

I don't know how to love someone without wanting to experience every moment with them. How do you stay away from someone who loves you just as much as you love them? I don't understand why I have such a strong attachment and love for him, if it's only meant to eventually one day fade away.

How do I know it's definitely not meant to be? We're selfless with each other, but at the same time we're selfish. We give, and we take, and then we always think the other isn't doing enough for the other person. Each of our selfless efforts get taken for grantide. My ambitions in life are not nearly the same as his. He wants to be successful, in the business world. He wants to have security in financial situations, he wants to be well respected and have an impact in this world. Just the same I want to have an impact in this world for God to be blessed through it. I don't care so much to have security financially. It'd be nice, but I know with the life I've chosen, God's got it under control, but that at times means going without or not having something reliable 24/7. Success is relative for me. I don't want my name to necessarily be rememebered, I don't care to have made tons of money so I'll be remembered that way... I just want to live life to the fullest, enjoying all the moments while I'm here. In the mean time being willing and open for God's will to take over. I know Brian wants to do God's will as well, but so far he knows "his plan" for his own life, and who knows how much that follows what God wants. Although, my life might be clearly not what God wants, but as far as I can tell I'm in the right direction.

There's other reasons, and he has his reasons for ending things this time.

It's just that I want the I love you's to last forever. I want him forever, and yet I feel like that's the last thing either of us needs. We have such a deep connection, passion for one another, and love for the other.

I know he hurts, but I feel like such a silent voice. None of this writing will heal things. Nothing I say will heal all whats been hurt. It's futile in the end.

Snobby Girls, and Broken Hearts

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 14:38:53 GMT

I pretty much want to attend a "All Girls in a Relationship" Rally/Convention, and be in a strategic location so I can plant my foot for every single one of them to trip right over it. Yes. Yes I do. Well I at least want the ones who are so freakin cocky about it.

I just go back from a school trip. I realized after being pointed out, that I was the only girl there without a boyfriend. Would not have bothered me if the way it had been made known was one of the girls asking me:

"So are you dating anybody?"
"No," I responded," I just got out of a longterm relationship, but it's for the best. I'm just going to enjoy being single."
"Ohhhh. Well YOU have FUN with that!" [Insert girl's shocked, pity face].

Oh dear gosh, seriously? Did she actually say that to me? Apparently so. Thing is I've even gotten it from long term friends of our family, who are relatively in the their 60s, and they still give me the "Awe, well good for you!" Seriously, why can't a girl be happy being alone? I have for so long distinguished myself by the relationship I was in, because I've not been out of a relationship pretty much for the past 6 years of my life. That's a 4th of my life!

While I can handle people being shocked that I'm not dating, and wanting to enjoy my single life instead of a dating life, what I can't handle is the fact that these questions and these responses make me feel ultra pathetic for not being with someone, while at the same time feeling super down because I have JUST gotten out of a long relationship. It reminds me of the fact that I am no longer with him. Instead I'm alone, again for the 50th time, wondering where it went wrong AGAIN.

Thanks for the reminder world. You reminded me, apparently, that I can't remember on my own the fact that I'm single.

Ever had these mean, deceiving, arrogant questions asked? Okay, okay, too harsh... Have you ever had the "are you dating anyone" question asked, only to have a not so exciting response? How did it make you feel? Have you ever asked these questions and given this kind of a response, or did you actually feel happy for the person who was single?

All the things you weren't, and all the things I want

Sun, 17 May 2009 19:10:34 GMT

I'm in the crushing stage I realize of getting over someone. I'm crushing on the most random people, and it's simply just a way to make my mind not focus on the real problem. That's not the point of this entry though.

The things he wasn't:
-He never appreciated me after a certain point. I can honestly say our relationship when we FIRST started dating, was great. He appreciated me, and gave me the world. He remembered details, did wonderful things, treated me so well, all of that. Then it all changed after so many break ups, to where he was unappreciative of us, and I was insecure.
-He never could be the spiritual leader I needed. Even when he tried, he didn't keep it up for long. Ugh. Just because I want to go into ministry, does not mean that he checks out of that role/duty.
-He never remembered our "anniversaries," although he did in the beginning.
-He never made sure we didn't go "too far"
-He could never win over my friends; although he tried very hard to do so. He wasn't the guy that any of my friends like automatically, if they ever did. My parents loved him, my friends hated him.
-He wasn't a guy I could make laugh. Trust me, I have a very weird sense of humor, and an even worse way of being humorous. Therefore, I would love to make a guy laugh, but when I can barely budge a smile out of someone sometimes, wow talk about frustrating.
-He wasn't the guy I could always come to talk about anything at anytime. He always offered to be, but wasn't. Still isn't today. He tries to understand me for about two seconds, and then thinks i'm attacking him, or zones out and all i get are "yeah, oh"
-He wasn't the guy I could brag about all the time. Trust me, like I said, in the beginning there were so many good times and he was the guy I bragged about, but after a while, nothing. I'm not sure what if anything I bragged about to my friends about why he was such a great boyfriend.
-He wasn't the guy I could rely on.
-He wasn't the virgin I wanted, although now I don't deserve a virgin.
-His longterm goals didn't necessarily match up with mine.

aight i'm done with writing and thinking of this stuff. i've been hearing a lot of friends talk about their bfs and all the AMAZING things they are, or just hearing them talk about how swept off their feet they are with the other... even guys. I want a guy to think that way about me, and I know brian did for a while, but the shine wore off, as did my affection like that for him i believe. I'm still angry with him, but it's like I want him to realize how hurt he's made me, even though i know apologies won't fix the hurt.

Breaking Up for Me is Abandonment

Wed, 13 May 2009 20:13:07 GMT

This is probably because I'm about in tears right now, but I feel far worse hurt right now than I think I ever have before. It's been about a week now that Brian and I have split again. I know it's the right decision, but I can't help but feel left all over again. I am in another country, and have no one close to talk to for a reasonable amount of time or in a reasonable way. The only person other than my mom would be one of my friends from school or Brian himself, which is a no.

The little bit I did mention to my friend, no response on the matter. So great.

When Ryan broke up with me, it felt expected but at the same time it felt way sudden and rash. I felt abandoned, because my father abandoned my mom and me so many times, and that's just how "leaving me" feels to me. Brian for the 4th and final time, has exited my life. This second time of him breaking up with me, cuts it. I felt left the first time, abandoned. This time, it's way worse. A time where he said we'd give it our all, and he gave up in 3 weeks. It's the thing where I want him back so badly, where I want him to realize his mistake, but it's also where I realize how thankful I am that after 2 years I can officially say he's not good for me, and isn't the one, even though I don't want to admit to it. Every girl wants their night in shining armor, and I just want him to realize his flaws and mistakes of what he's done, and come back and rescue me. It won't happen, nor should it. There will be a man who will rescue me from all the crap I've been through in relationships, and even when the crap hits the fan for me and him, we'll be able to overcome rather than to succumb to it.

I just feel hurt. I want to talk to him, because I love him, but I want nothing to do with him because I think I seriously hate him. He's my friend, and I know even with all this crap that he does care and love me, but he's also my ex boyfriend. He's also the guy that has severely broken my heart. He never wants me to regret things with him, but I do. I gave up parts of me that can't be retrieved. I revealed parts of my heart that I never wanted to open up to someone who would just abandon me like I've been before. I wanted to give my all to him, I hope I did, but it sucks that this is how it ended up. I hate break ups, because some how they really hurt... and not physically but some sort of emotional state that is far worse than anything physical. It's like you can feel it physically. I unno.

God is revelaing himself so much to me. He's working, and while it hurts, I know this is definitely the right path. I just need to learn to accept it. Figure out how to heal wounds.

And the worrying begins...

Sun, 03 May 2009 04:45:21 GMT

So after that last entry I texted Brian saying that I needed to talk sometime soon, but not necessarily tonight. Well he calls back soon after and wants me to say what's on my mind. Honestly I couldn't think of all I wanted to say. I tried to explain myself, but of course it gets into some pissy argument/discussion. We both ended the conversation on kind of bad terms. Today I've not heard from him at all. Great.

Thing is anytime I confront him about something that bothers me or something that I realize as to why I do something, he immediately gets in defense mode and thinks I'm blaming him. Last night I was trying to explain why certain events happened the way they did the previous days, and then also why I thought I didn't speak my mind on some certain things with us because I figure I'll come off clingy. I kept having to talk my way to those points... but what they of course turned out to him was "you're not good enough to satisfy any need I have." He tells me to talk to him point blank about things, and then when I do it's seriously something that he fights. Maybe I take too long to explain myself and it irritates him, which is true. Maybe he already has worked up a defense against me saying something needs to be worked on, which I think is the truth.

I need my bf right now. I'll be gone all summer, and it'd be nice to end the last time I see him on a good note.

Somehow though I just can't seem to conclude that our convos that turn out like this are completely my fault. When he has a complaint towards me or something, I listen intently. Sometimes I don't change things, and that's wrong, but neither does he sometimes. We never get in a figth when he has these talks, I always wait till he's done explaining.

The only conclusions I came to is that I have insecurities outside of our relationship which I reflect back onto our relationship, and I find flaws a lot of times with us because I'm insecure about it. And then, I am not direct enough with what's on my mind. Apparently when I'm not direct and short, my message gets lost in translation and we get in a fight. So I need short, to the point statements which get the job done.

I'm not so worried he didn't call today. He probably fell asleep early after his PT test. Although, I have this bad feeling he never woke up this morning to go, and he blames me because of the late convo last night. Dang.

To top today off... I got my first speeding ticket.

The Frustrations Resurface

Sat, 02 May 2009 01:34:47 GMT

When I'm not with him, I miss him. When I'm with him, I'm stressed. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of times where I am very happy when I'm with him. It's just when we get to days like yesterday and today that I wonder why I wanted to be back with him so badly.

Yesterday he stopped by the school to do some things, and so he texted me telling me he was on campus. He never asked to see me, so I wasn't ready to do anything. Now most girls would expect to see their bfs when they are anywhere within a mile radius, but Brian is that kind of guy that I can never understand or foresee what he will do. I hoped he would want to see me, that he would ask, but he hadn't so I never got ready. When he finally did call asking me to come meet him, he acted completely surprised I wasn't ready to walk out the door just then. We met up, later than he would've liked. We talked for about 3 hours. It was like a giant list of complaints and irritations. It was him complaining about himself and his situation, and me trying to give him a positive outlook on the subject. Him telling me he didn't understand why I would choose to be with him, which makes me feel like he thinks I'm some crappy decision maker, that I sell myself short. He goes into how he always has to carry a conversation, how I won't open up to him. He tells me how it's important for him and his future spouse to work out together, and how I've not made enough of an effort to try and work out on a regular basis, when he doesn't even do it himself right now. By the end of the conversation I was entirely exhausted. I was frustrated the entire time. It wasn't good conversation for either of us, and since then I've not felt like I can actually have a conversation with him.

He was back at the school today, and when I wasn't ready exactly when he needed me to be, he got pissy. I met up with him, and he told me that he was a lil irritated, well duh. We talked normally, but honestly I felt like I couldn't get a word in. He talked and talked and talked. There were things I wanted to talk about, and I couldn't. I called him tonight to find out some information and to talk to him. He's busy getting ready for the weekend and traveling down to the capital for Army stuff. I understood he was in a rush, but everything I said he was like "I'm sure you'll be fine" and that was it. Finally he went to get off the phone, after like 3 minutes, and he thought I was upset with him for doing so, but I wasn't. He got really pissy with me and then got off the phone. I texted him telling him I wasn' tupset and to let me know what I did exactly or if there was anything I could do to help. He called back and explained himself. HE said he always feels pressure to not get off the phone, which I understand, but tonight was not the case.

The past couple of days have just been difficult. I feel distant from him, and I don't care for it.

I hate the fact we cannot just speak openly with one another. I can't ask anything from him because I then am being clingy... no lie. Immediately he'll turn to saying I'm being clingy. So I back off a lot. I get bent out of shape because I simply can't ask to do certain things with him. He makes the decisions.

Ugh I'm getting really ill even writing this right now.

I just don't feel like I can be open with him to an extent or ask things of him, because he will thing I'm being overbearing.

I really just need to talk with him I suppose and say these things. I need to learn how not to nag, cause I can do that so easily.

Day 11: Seems like such an odd turn.

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 19:02:15 GMT

Really this site has been a way for me to vent my frustrations about my relationship with B. It's how I feel at any given moment, and while the majority is true, the fact that I still care and love for him has never changed.

Yesterday, him and I met up for coffee. It always feels like normal with him. Nothing ever seems to have changed when I meet up with him. The looks we give one another, the slight touches exchange are the same, all of it. It's strange, because during those times I have to remind myself that we aren't together romantically.

So we met up, and we talked some. It was kind of quiet on his part, but he eventually started talking. He asked me to come back to his place so we could talk, because it was noisy in the coffee shop. I knew that if we did go back, things would happen between us, I knew it. There has never ceased to be a time where we went back to his place and we didn't kiss or cuddle. Sure enough, that's what happened. He told me he truly didn't expect things to happen, and I actually believe him, cause he would admit to it being otherwise.

The entire time I kept telling myself to roll with things. Even if things were to still be the same, atleast I could have a goodbye or a last moment with him. It was passionate, tender, caring, loving, exhilarating, all of it. We fell asleep for a little while. He was holding me and I was tucked away into his chest. He started to move and I woke up, he turned me around so that he was behind me holding me. The whole day was wonderful. Eventually I turned around and was looking down at him, and we just continued to look at each other. He rubbed my back while I touched his face.

We talked while we were laying there. He said he knew the reason he felt things needed to end before was because he wasn't needing who I needed him to be. He knew I wasn't satisfied. I'm nervous. I know he knows these things, but I'm not sure if that means he's willing to make an effort towards fixing those things. I think he is. He told me we would need to start new. New beginnings, we need that more than anything.

He told me many things about he cared and loved me. He told me the different things he admired about me. It was a sincere open time between the both of us.

New beginnings, that's what we need. I hope this time it sticks. I think it will.